Sacred Reciprocity
Watercolor on Paper by Toni Austin-Allen
When we try to make sense of anything, we must first become observers. Observing life is often challenging because in life, we are also participants. We have our self-absorbed perspective that cannot help but get in the way. As the pandemic has raged through our country for almost a year now and we have experienced one frustration after another, we have had to adjust to new realities and new lifestyles that we were not prepared to deal with. We have had to unceremoniously say goodbye to people for various reasons, sometimes due to death, sometimes distance, and sometimes through the pain of irreparable damage to the relationship. There is not a person whom I know who has not experienced some kind of grief during this last year. My heart goes out to each and everyone who is reading this. Know that you are not alone. This is the topic of this blog post.
We live in a country filled with gifted and talented people, educated people, in-the-know people, but we are a culture of individualists. That is what the western culture is built on, not community. Capitalism and the survival of the fittest mentality have been engrained in us through the generations. Please don’t stop reading now. I am not anti-capitalist although I do think we are seeing the worst in humanity because it has gone unchecked, but that is only my opinion. That is for another discussion. In this time of isolation, however, I am seeing just how much we are missing because community is not our first priority. This is not to say that many individuals have not done their share of reaching out, so if you are a more community based individual, kudos to you, and thank you. But as a culture, that is not who we are, so with stay at home mandates, closed Mom and Pop stores, no inside dining, etc…we are doing the best we can through social media and the occasional phone calls. Now, I may not have the true pulse of America since I live in BFE, but I have a strong feeling in my gut that most of us are feeling a sense of inertia or a lack of empowerment or even a great deal of underlying fear despite our best efforts. That is because we are missing something fundamentally important in our society that we often make up for in our addictions to shopping, being busy, drinking, partying, overdosing on technology, or whatever fills our time and void. We are missing real connection.
I said earlier that we are a country filled with talented and gifted people, but we usually use our talents and our gifts to make money and to compete. There is a kind of reciprocity in this approach from the perspective of being able to make a living and get our insatiable egos fed, but the true and profound experience of a more sacred reciprocity is sorely missing. These experiences are the ones that we need most right now. We need words of appreciation, we need to pick up our pens and write notes of endearment and gratitude for those we care about, we need to look into the eyes above the masks of our essential workers and share a twinkle and a deep look of care, we need to go sit outside if we are able and thank our Creator for what we do have, we need to see and thank nature for all it gives to us and apologize for when we have taken needlessly, we need to let our friends know that their talents and their gifts matter. You see, each and every one of us has at least one special something that we can share with those around us to make this world a better place and create a life of community even when we are at home.
I had a meditation the other day in which I imagined that I was filled with light and I was facing another being who was also filled with light. We lifted our arms and fingers, and our light connected and became one. I imagine our gifts as that sacred star. We each have something to offer but they must be given as an offering of love and care to others, not simply as a commodity. The flip side of this, however, is that they also must be received and appreciated in order to complete the circle. As a musician, and I bet many of my musician friends can relate, I have, at numerous times, been expected to give freely because musician’s gifts are often taken for granted. People think of it only as a job we do for fun, but the reality is that it is our gift to give the world. This cannot be taken lightly and certainly should not be taken for granted. We are the vessels who practice and perform this gift. I personally have performed many events in which I got paid little to nothing and got no thank you at all. A few years ago, I drove 13 hours to a gig. I offered to play for free because I loved the place and wanted to go back. It was a place I had considered moving to. They offered me a spot to pitch my tent and then offered a glass of lemonade and some snacks at the event. I played for three hours. Not one word of thanks was given when I left. It was a long drive home, and I felt depleted. This is an extreme example, but it is not an isolated one. You see, relationships must have reciprocity in order to thrive. Community grows in this way. In an individualist society, envy, protection, getting as much as we can for as little as we can, and sometimes a feeling of “I don’t have anything to offer back”, or maybe even, “I don’t have time to show appreciation”, can immediately block the circle of reciprocity.
The truth is, we all have something to offer whether it be a kind word, a look of compassion, a good deed, a prayer, sitting in silence with a sick friend even if only on the phone, a well-cooked meal, a poem, a letter, a favorite book, whatever means something to you, give and give back. Don’t wait. See life through another’s eyes, not from your own vantage point but from theirs. What do they need? What can you give? Give to yourself as well and thank yourself. Ask yourself what you need, and then listen. Take care of yourself. That’s when we can give to and give back. This is the start of community. This is the start of compassionate relating. This is sacred reciprocity.