Kind Witness
“Kind Witness'“ by Jude Simon
At the start of 2022, the words silence and stillness rang in my ears over and over. I knew that I wanted to find silence and stillness in myself in whatever way I could, I bought a new journal, and then another, hoping that writing about it would bring some answers. I wrote quite a number of reflections and poems on social media in hopes of putting these feelings into words. For several weeks, I committed to walking every single day in hopes of finding stillness in nature, but muddy roads and cold temperatures forced me inside as time marched from summer monsoons to an early winter. I prayed for stillness, I took photos that inspired stillness, and although I might have glimpsed it from time to time, I felt no closer to this inner stillness than when I started. As the saying goes, “wherever you go, there you are”. As the year turned to 2023, I had a knowing that something was going to change for the better. It was vague feeling, but it has stayed with me nonetheless. It seems, however, as if everything around me has been breaking down. My well is broken, so running water has been an issue for two weeks and continues to be a problem, the weather has made our rural roads virtually impassable, people whom I love and cherish are suffering from illnesses and their own personal issues, inflation just does not stop, and I, of course, have my own share of personal challenges. I generally have a pretty positive attitude and love for life, but all of this has made me wonder about this vague notion of a change for the better that I have felt.
Yesterday I was on a short little walk and was reminded of a painting that Jude made for me seven years ago when my life seemed to be falling apart. She called it “Kind Witness” and it was an abstract picture of me being split in two. Jude was that “kind witness'“ who simply watched as I allowed my life to fall apart, scrambling in a state of chaotic yet directed knowing, and then she watched as I slowly put it back in a new order one piece at a time. It was a terribly painful time as I realized what I had to let go of, while at the same time, having no idea what was next or why I was doing this. There was really no one who could tell me what to do or where to go. Those who understood, a small handful of mostly new friends and my dad, simply watched and let me know that they were there. They allowed me to fall, over and over again, and were there to hug me when I stood back up. They knew I would find my way, and they knew that it was my path to walk, not theirs. I could not have done it any other way.
As I remembered and again contemplated this painting and the idea of being a “kind witness”, I was reminded of another thought I have had on my mind lately. I am finding through my personal experiences that talking is overrated, but being a teacher, I have talked, shared my skill and knowledge, motivated and reasoned with my pupils most of my life. I was also a mother who needed to get things done, deal with logistics in my kid’s lives, and share what I thought they needed to know. Talking seemed imperative, but now, I think not so much.
As a meditation teacher, I ask my community of meditators to sit and reflect on sensations in their bodies, where they feel their breath, what emotions come and go, or what thoughts and patterns continue to pop up. In meditation, we don’t push these aside and hope they disappear. We look on with an awareness of curiosity and observe what is coming up in the moment, what needs attention, and what parts of us needs nurturing. We consider the walls we have built, and when ready, allow them to drop a little at a time when we feel safe. We watch ourselves, those we love, those we do not love or even like, and we watch the world. We learn to be in an awareness that does not need to judge but can simply “be with”. Does this mean that action and words are not important? No, they are crucial. But learning to be a kind witness means learning to be with ourselves, our situations, our loved ones, as well as the challenges in the greater world with a sense of inner stillness and silence so that we stop ourselves from getting in the way when we may just be being asked to sit with ourselves or another in silent peace. It is in this silent peace where we will find the ability to respond with compassion, wisdom, and a deeper message when a message is needed. It is in this quiet patience where we learn to respond, not react.
This idea of stillness and silence has a new meaning for me now. It does not require any more skill than to simply be open to what is, to listen with patience, and not have advice or judgement at the tip of our tongues. It sometimes means watching those we love be in pain and suffering. It means allowing things to unfold naturally because, truly, forcing things to happen rarely if ever works out well. Letting people follow their path and simply be an observer, a kind witness, is the hardest path we can take. There is risk by walking through life in this manner. We lose that sense of control. We have no idea what will happen, even when that person we are observing is ourselves. But it is worth the risk, I believe, because no matter the outcome, we know we have walked in love as a kind witness. We learn to accept rather than cling to what might have been or what might be. Isn’t this the greatest and most free love we can offer ourselves and others? The outcomes may truly surprise us. This may very well be the tide that needs to turn in 2023. I certainly hope so.
Kind Witness
Eyes watch as heart feels
She breathes in the happenings
of her present life
inner life
past lives
other’s lives
and simply “is”
Knowing comes when it is time
and it is always time
if we remember to listen
hear
and respond when called
She is an observer
with open eyes
and wisdom of the ages
being with
and willing to wait
for her truth
for Creator’s truth
to unveil itself
in its own sacred moment
She knows what must be done
and knows what must be left alone
She knows when to be silent
and she knows when to speak
She knows when to help
and when to release
She knows
She has always known
She is a kind witness
Toni Austin-Allen
February 21, 2023